This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
