jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
