had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
