Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
