I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
where am i from again
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
