He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
