I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
