I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
