and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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