I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
