I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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