No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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