FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
