How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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