Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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