One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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