my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i came on her dog
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
