He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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