I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
