I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Someone signed my nipple.
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