I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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