Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
