last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
pop tarts are not kleenex
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
