Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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