I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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