If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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