He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
