You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
