Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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