she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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