she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
