She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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