I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
