There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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