I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
