Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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