she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
