I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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