You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
