he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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