I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
