I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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