saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
