so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
