Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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