Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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