when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
