she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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