hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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