did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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