I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
